Philadelphia is a Backwards Town

Philadelphia is so far behind the times that last week a postman was shot dead on the sidewalk in the mistaken belief that he was a Confederate soldier.

Eagles Go To Super Bowl and Win! New Quarterback is Hero

The Eagles football coach was desperately seeking a new quarterback with a good throwing arm when he happened to see on television a CNN report from the war zone of Afghanistan. 

He spotted an Afghani soldier who threw a hand-grenade straight into a window from 80 yards away. He then threw a grenade another 70 yards into a chimney, and finally hit a passing car going 80 miles an hour. “The perfect arm! I’ve got to find this guy,” the coach declares.

He locates and brings the young Afghani to America and in a short time he picks up the game and is soon throwing amazing touchdowns and passes. Sure enough, the Eagles win the Super Bowl on the strength of the new quarterback’s arm.

After the game the elated sports hero calls his mother with the exciting news.

“I don’t want to talk to you,” says the old woman. “You deserted us, You are no longer my son.”

“Mother, I don’t think you understand I just won the most import sporting event in America,” he declares.

“No, let me tell you,” the woman responds. “At this very moment there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week. And I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn’t get raped!”

The old woman pauses and tearfully says,”I will never forgive you for making us move to Philadelphia!”

Marriage Through Thick and Thin: Philadelphia Circus History

John and Hannah Battersby were irrefutable proof that opposites do attract.

They met in the circus where 600-pound Hannah worked as the Fat Lady and John was billed as the “Living Skeleton.” He weighed in at about 50 to 60 pounds.

Apparently, their marriage was not a circus publicity stunt because they stayed married and settled in Frankford. Retired, thin man John started eating and ballooned up to 130 pounds. He quit the sideshow business totally and became a carriage builder.

The couple probably settled in Frankford to be among fellow carnival and circus people. In the 19th century Frankford was the home of the John “Porgy” O’Brien Circus, which was later taken over by the larger Adam Forepaugh Circus.

A whole bunch of acrobats, clowns and lion tamers lived and worked in Frankford. 

According to a small booklet by the Frankford Historical Society, the pair lived in a house at Unity and Waln streets. The researchers found a newspaper clipping from the 1870s declaring that Hannah became ill “while presiding at a fat ladies convention in Providence, Rhode Island”

She died in 1889 and is buried in Cedar Hill Cemetery. Twelve man carried her casket where “a derrick” lowered it into the grave.

One account claims that the Battersbys adopted a carnival sideshow girl from Africa billed as ‘The Cannibal Girl” but also famed for having webbed fingers. A brief New York Times item noted the girl, whose name was Zanie Zanobia, died in 1886 at age 19 in Frankford at the Battersby residence. According to the Find A Grave site she is also buried in Cedar Hill.

Philadelphia Sports Never Gets Too Dirty: The Phillies at Baker Bowl

The biggest advertising sign at the old Baker Bowl read “The Phillies Use Lifebouy Soap.” 

A graffiti artist got inside one night and added “And they Still Stink.”

Senator Boies Penrose Suggests an Alternative To Church Membership

Boies Penrose, a U.S. senator 1897-1921 was known for his huge appetite for food and drink. 

When an advisor suggested that he join a church, Penrose disdainfully declared:
“I won’t do anything of the sort. I’ll tell you what I’ll do. I’ll promise to distribute my drinking more evenly among the saloons most popular with the pillars of the various churches.

“I already drink regularly with three Catholic priests, four of five Episcopal rectors and God knows how many Baptist, Methodist, and Presbyterian elders.

“As drinkers they have their weaknesses. The best drinkers I know are the Quakers. They are sober even when drunk.”

Drinking In Philadelphia: The Tongue-Twister

An old test to tell if a Philadelphian was inebriated was to make him say “First Assistant City Solicitor” without getting his tongue tangled!

Dumb Things Said By Philadelphia Tour Guides Part Two: Fake History!

Pointing to the Powel House on 3rd Street near Walnut where George Washington was a frequent guest, one guide claimed that “George Washington and Abraham Lincoln ate dinner together inside.”

Several guides proudly proclaimed that John F. Kennedy had lived on 3rd street a few doors down from the Powel House. Another said Jacqueline Kennedy had spend most of her childhood in one house.
Yes, three houses on the block were built by Jacqueline Kennedy’s great-great grandfather Michel Bouvier in the1840s, so it’s just a simple leap of logic to make 3rd Street JFK’s or Jackie’s childhood home.

“Benjamin Franklin fathered 69 illegitimate children,” declared one ghost tour guide. Well, Ben did have one illegitimate son, William Franklin. So what’s wrong with a bit of exaggeration?

Yes, when Walt Whitman lived in Camden, he did visit friends in Philadelphia, as a young tour bus guide explained. No, he did not get to Philly by crossing the Ben Franklin Bridge, which opened 34 years after the poet was dead and buried.