Philadelphia Judges: From Bad to Worse to Worst

A thick book can be written about all the terrible judges Philly has produced...

Take, for instance, ex-cop Shamus (often called shameless) McCafferty who somehow
was elected to the Pennsylvania Supreme Court. He voluntarily left the high court after 234 pornographic e-mails and dirty jokes were found on his state-owned computer. His wife, who also was a lawyer, and worked for her husband, chalked up $1.2 million in finders’ fees by referring lucrative law cases to other law firms.


Then there was Judge Bernard Avellino who reduced rape charges down to 30 days in jail because the victim was so ugly. If fact, he called her “coyote ugly . . . no man would want to
rape her.”

But no judge was quite as ridiculously unqualified and shameless as former traffic court judge as Willie Singletary.

Traffic court judges do not need a law degree and are usually loyal party hacks. No one knows why Willie ran for the job, especially since he owed $11,000 in unpaid traffic tickets and had a suspended driver’s license. Oh yeah, he owed thousands in unpaid child support.

And another thing, Willie solicited money from a motorcycle club for his election, by reminding them that if elected, he could fix their tickets.

Willie was probably elected because a drawing placed his name at the top of the ballot. 

It’s hard to believe, but Willie’s “Willy” got him tossed off traffic court. Willie was so proud of his erect “Willy” that he took photos of it and showed it to a female court employee. “Like that? Do, you like that?” the proud jurist reportedly asked the shocked woman. She went to police and soon Singletary was in hot water. The state Judicial Conduct Board investigated the matter.

In a written report, that provided much humorous material for comedian John Oliver and newspapers, the board wrote: “We hold that a judge who grooms his penis for photography” did it on purpose not accidentially, as Willie asserted.

Willie, who is also hallelujah-shouting, Bible-thumping preacher, was in much deeper trouble. Along with the other Philadelphia Traffic Court judges he was under FBI scrutiny for ticket fixing. He brought a flock of his religious followers to federal court but his pious preaching could not save him from a two-year prison sentence for lying to the FBI.

Trashing Philadelphia: Philly In Autumn by S.J. Perelman

"Philadelphia: a metropolis sometimes known as the City of Brotherly Love, but more accurately as the City of Bleak November afternoons. …,"
 - S. J. Perelman.

Jerry Helzner Recalls: Funny Student Names 101

Jerry Helzner now lives in Abington Township and shares a funny memory of his days as a teacher in the 1960s..

"On the first day at Edison High School in North Philly my history class convened, so I handed out cards so that the students could write their names and be assigned to seats,"

"As I was looking at the cards, I saw one that was simply signed 'CHOPPER'.  I put it aside. This was something I had to nip in the bud.

"After I had seated all the other students, I saw one small kid in a suit and bow tie standing alone and trembling. I started to feel that maybe I had misread the situation.

"So I said. 'You signed your card CHOPPER. That's not the way to get off to a
good start with me',"

"The kid looked puzzled — and trembled even more. 'Are you telling me that
you're the CHOPPER?',"

"'No, my name is Clinton Hopper', he barely was able to speak.

Uh-oh. My mistake.I went over to Clinton and gave him a hug.

Philadelphia Zoo: When Newspaper Headlines Go Wild!

Newspaper headline writers have always found fodder for puns and fun in news coming out of the Philadelphia Zoo.

Examples:

• A New Gnu is Due at Zoo
• (the follow up) No New Gnu at Zoo
• Shocking News 5 Electric Eels at Zoo
• Zoo Cassowary Broods 14 Years – Then Lays a Five-Minute Egg
• Zoo Cockatoo Won’t Woo
• (And old favorite) Stork Arrives at Zoo

Funny Philadelphia Headlines: Tattoo Convention

The Philadelphia Daily News is noted for witty (often corny) headlines.
When a tattoo convention came to town, two headline writers came up with winners and both were used.

Rick Selvin wrote: “They’ve Got Hue Under Their Skin.”

Jerry Carrier wrote “They Have Designs on Your Body.”

Paoli Train Trick: The Old Maids of Philadelphia's Main Line

All long-time residents of Philadelphia’s Main Line know that “old maids never wed and have babies, period.”

The phase is a little trick to remember the stations on the Paoli local train. So 'Old' stands for Overbrook and 'Maids' for Merion etc

The original station stops were Overbrook, Merion, Narberth, Wynnewood, Ardmore, Haverford, Bryn Mawr and Paoli.

Easy to remember when you know that:
Old Maids, Never, Wed And Have Babies, Period.

Police Story: Boxing Great Sonny Liston Remembers Philadelphia's Finest

Former heavyweight boxing champ Sonny Liston made his home in Philly for a few years. He said he was often harassed by our cops and gave us this quote:

“I’d rather be a lamp post in Denver than mayor of Philadelphia.”

That Time Philadelphia Newswoman Lisa Thomas-Laury Went To London

Former Channel 6 newswoman Lisa Thomas-Laury was in London covering the marriage of Diana and Prince Charles when she noticed a truck leasing company owned by a family named “Thomas.”

In Great Britain, a truck is known as a “lorry.”

Painted on the truck was the message “Lease a Thomas Lorry.”

Journalism in the Funnies: Philadelphia Bulletin and Al Capp's Lil' Abner

Bulletin columnist James Smart recalls how prissy and puritanical the paper could be, even in its comic pages. The art department was always adding clothes to skimpily clad characters in Al Capp’s Lit’l Abner strip.

Smart recalled: “An editorial crisis arose when a woman in the Gasoline Alley strip became pregnant and her waistline started to increase. There was a discussion of retouching the woman’s abdomen or even suspending the comic strip during her pregnancy.

“Finally four editors and I met with the managing editor, Walter Lister, on the emergency. I spoke up for the woman on the grounds that even Philadelphians were aware of where babies come from, that motherhood had not yet been ruled obscene and that I, in my formative years, (Smart was then a copy boy) had watched my mother enlarge without suffering any deleterious effects that I was aware of. 

Lister laughed and allowed the pregnancy to be depicted. Some weeks later he asked me, “How does it feel to be responsible for the first pregnant lady in the Bulletin?”

Philadelphia Clever Business Names: Part One

Over the years, there have been some clever named businesses in Philadelphia.
(yes, these are/were real places!)

• Curl-up and Dye (hair salon)
• Light’N Up (smoke shop)
• Julius Scissors (hair dresser)
• The Barking Lot (pet groomer)
• The Scissord of Aaahs (hair dresser)

Stay tuned for more funny Philly Business Names!!!

Mikveh Israel Cemetery in Philadelphia: Grave Jewish Humor

An off-the cuff-quip made in the 1820s was so witty that lawyer William J. Duane, recorded it in his diary:

“Dr. Chapman and some friends were passing by Spruce Street when they noticed a light under the gate of the Jewish cemetery (Mikveh Israel Cemetery) “I wonder what that light is,” said one.

“An Israelite.” said the doctor.

Dick Sheeran's Trip To The White House: Philadelphia Reporter Takes Orders

Guess Where I’m Going?

Dick Sheeran was a news reporter for 30 years with KYW radio and TV,  and now lives in retirement in Atlantic City.

One of Dick Sheeran’s favorite yarns occurred in 1979 during the presidential contest between Jimmy Carter and Ronald Reagan. 

President Carter was staying in Washington to monitor the crisis in Iran,  but holding frequent campaign interviews with reporters in the White House. To Sheeran’s delight, he was selected to go to the capital city to interview the President.

“I was excited about it – a local TV reporter doesn’t get invited to the White House every day,” Sheeran recalls.

“So, I called my wife and said, ‘Honey, guess where I’m going tomorrow - to the White House!’”

“She said, ‘Bring me back two cheese subs,’” Sheeran recalls with a grin.

In New Jersey, a hoagie is called a sub and in Atlantic City, the most famous sub shop is the White House Sub Shop on Arctic Avenue.

Jerry Helzner Recalls: The Star Student: Memories of Edison High School in Philadelphia

Sleeping Student is Suddenly Alert

Jerry Helzner now lives in Abington Township and shares a funny memory of his days as a teacher in the 1960s..

When I was a young history teacher at Edison High School in North Philadelphia, I was teaching about World War I and the German Von Schliefen Plan that was designed to defeat both the French and Russian armies.

The plan was to attack France first, in the west, and then swing around later to the east, to defeat Russia, which was much slower to mobilize its forces. As I was speaking and illustrating on the blackboard, I noticed that one of the students who never paid attention and often slept in class was taking copious notes and raising his hand to ask question after question about the lesson.

At the end of the class, I called him aside and congratulated him for taking such an interest. "William, I am really proud of you. You are becoming a star student," I said.

"No, it ain't that, Mr. Helzner,"he replied. "We have to fight the Valley Gang and the Vineyard Gang and I needed a plan to take on both of them"

All That Philadelphia Journalism Jazz: The Bulletin Misses The Beat?

The obituary writer for the defunct Evening Bulletin was obviously not a jazz fan. The funeral director explained that the deceased was an excellent musician – so good that he had played
with John Coltrane.

The next day's obituary informed readers that the jazz man had played with a group called “John’s Coal Train.”

A Tale Of Two Pastries: A Philadelphia Bakery Story

Soon after the founding of the city, William Penn’s two spinster aunts settled in Philadelphia and opened a bakery, which became famous for its pies.

Then, a German baker arrived and his pies were also delicious. He cut the price from seven pence (charged by the two women) to only six pence.

Now a price war raged between the two pie shops.

When Penn’s aunts slashed the price of pies to only two pence, their rival threw in the
towel, and everyone in Philadelphia agreed:
 
“You can’t beat the pie-rates of Penn’s aunts.”

Danny Ozark on the Truth of Baseball: Philadelphia Phillies Sports Humor

“Half of the game is 90 percent mental,”
 - -  declared Phillies manager Danny Ozark.

Philadelphia School Days: Central High Standards

When Central High School was located at Broad and Green streets there was a church across the street with a carving above the door reading “Jesus Never Fails.” 

It inspired a student quip: “Well, Jesus never went to Central.”

- Bobby Shofner