REPOST: A Big Trip for the Ladies Cancelled

We are re-printing three older posts this week.  
We think they are humorous and typical of more than 100 post on this blog.

“There’s a sign in Polonia Hall in Kensington,” says funny guy Joe Conklin...

“It reads: ‘The Ladies Auxiliary Trip to the Islands has Been Cancelled...

...Because SEPTA has Removed the Islands from the Middle of Allegheny Avenue.’’

Going Postal For Hanukkah

Retired Daily News reporter Frank Dougherty always has a joke or jest to share. He sent this little gem to his Jewish friends around the Hanukkah holiday.

“My neighbor, Ruth Cohen, went to the East Falls post office on Ridge Avenue earlier this week to purchase stamps for her Hanukkah cards.

“‘I need 50 Hanukkah stamps,’ said Ruth.

"’What denomination?’ asked the postal clerk.

“Ruth told me she thought for a second, then said: ‘Give me six Orthodox, 12 Conservative and 32
Reform.’”

Quaker Jokes: A Burglar In Good Standing

Not too many jokes about Quakers but here is one:
 
An elderly Quakers couple was asleep when a faint noise downstairs awoke the woman.

She, of course, shook her husband awake and whispered that there was an intruder in the house. The old boy grabbed his hunting rifle and headed for the stairs.

There on the stairs the Quaker came face-to-face with the burglar.

The old man took careful aim and said, “Friend, I mean thee no harm, but thou art standing where I am about to shoot.”

William Penn Looks Towards The Red Light District OR is He Just Hanging Out?

When it was completed in 1901 many people hated City Hall and singled- out the statue of William Penn for particular scorn.

“The higher it’s placed the better it will be for the city’s art reputation,” wrote one newspaper. The writer added. “If it should be put down 500-feet in the bowels of the earth instead of in the air, it would be cause for rejoicing.” 

The Penn statue was problematic from the get-go. First, there was disagreement on how fat to make Penn. The first models of the statue by Alexander Milne Calder showed Penn plump and elderly but historians pointed out that Penn was in his 30s and quite fit when he founded Pennsylvania.

The historians also said Quaker plain dress was not mandatory during the era and Penn, who inherited big bucks, was a fancy dresser. So, the statue has Penn attired in an expensive ruffled shirt and fancy coat.

Then there was (and continues) criticism of how the statue faces. Calder reportedly wanted the statue looking south. Instead, Penn looks to the northeast. Officially, he faces Penn Treaty Park where he signed a treaty with local Indians.

Wise-guys said he is looking toward Philly’s red light district.

Generations of Philadelphia have made jokes about the placement of Billy Penn’s right hand, palm down. From a certain angle, the hand looks like Billy’s “Willy.”

One WEB story is headlined “The William Penn Wiener.” Another post is called the “Accidental Dong.” An old postcard depicts the “erotic” photo of the statue with the caption “Hanging out in Philly.”

Regarding which way Penn faces, a tourist recently came to the City Hall Visitors Center, positive that statute rotated – as if mounted on a lazy Susan.

City Hall took 30 years to complete. The cost estimate of $10 million, more than doubled in the end. Many citizens simply hated it.

The extremely ornate, statue-and- doo-dad infested structure was out of fashion by its 1901 completion. It was called “The Marble Monstrosity” and “The Marble Maw.” Others dubbed it “The Obstruction,” "The Nuisance,” “The Public Folly" or “The Marble Elephant.”

Today most Philadelphians love City Hall – and so do birds. But that’s
another story.

A Nutty Joke About Philadelphia

Here’s a little riddle that was popular with high school boys several decades ago...

Question: 
What’s long and thin and between two nuts?

Answer: 
Sansom Street – between Walnut and Chestnut

Philadelphia Sports Joke: Playing Possum

A riddle about either the Eagles football team and the Flyers ice hockey
team.... This year it definitely applies to the Flyers.

QUESTION: What do the Flyers and a possum have in common?

ANSWER: Both play dead at home and get killed on the road.”

Philadelphia is a Backwards Town

Philadelphia is so far behind the times that last week a postman was shot dead on the sidewalk in the mistaken belief that he was a Confederate soldier.

Eagles Go To Super Bowl and Win! New Quarterback is Hero

The Eagles football coach was desperately seeking a new quarterback with a good throwing arm when he happened to see on television a CNN report from the war zone of Afghanistan. 

He spotted an Afghani soldier who threw a hand-grenade straight into a window from 80 yards away. He then threw a grenade another 70 yards into a chimney, and finally hit a passing car going 80 miles an hour. “The perfect arm! I’ve got to find this guy,” the coach declares.

He locates and brings the young Afghani to America and in a short time he picks up the game and is soon throwing amazing touchdowns and passes. Sure enough, the Eagles win the Super Bowl on the strength of the new quarterback’s arm.

After the game the elated sports hero calls his mother with the exciting news.

“I don’t want to talk to you,” says the old woman. “You deserted us, You are no longer my son.”

“Mother, I don’t think you understand I just won the most import sporting event in America,” he declares.

“No, let me tell you,” the woman responds. “At this very moment there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week. And I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn’t get raped!”

The old woman pauses and tearfully says,”I will never forgive you for making us move to Philadelphia!”

Drinking In Philadelphia: The Tongue-Twister

An old test to tell if a Philadelphian was inebriated was to make him say “First Assistant City Solicitor” without getting his tongue tangled!

When Quakers Get Angry!

The story is told of a respectable Quaker woman – who would never use profanity, but enraged by a rude policeman, she declared:

“When thee gets home, I hope thy mother will dash out from her kennel and bite thee.”

A Big Trip for the Ladies Cancelled: Joe Conklin, SEPTA and the Polonia Hall in Kensington

“There’s a sign in Polonia Hall in Kensington,” says funny guy Joe Conklin...

“It reads: ‘The Ladies Auxiliary Trip to the Islands has Been Cancelled...

...Because SEPTA has Removed the Islands from the Middle of Allegheny Avenue.’’

A Tale Of Two Pastries: A Philadelphia Bakery Story

Soon after the founding of the city, William Penn’s two spinster aunts settled in Philadelphia and opened a bakery, which became famous for its pies.

Then, a German baker arrived and his pies were also delicious. He cut the price from seven pence (charged by the two women) to only six pence.

Now a price war raged between the two pie shops.

When Penn’s aunts slashed the price of pies to only two pence, their rival threw in the
towel, and everyone in Philadelphia agreed:
 
“You can’t beat the pie-rates of Penn’s aunts.”

How to Beat a Dead Horse in Philadelphia

Did you hear about the Philadelphia cop who found a dead horse on Susquehanna Avenue and
dragged it a block to Berks Street before writing his report?

When asked why he had risked a heart attack and slipped discs to move the carcass, the cop explained, “Because I couldn’t spell Susquehanna.”